I forgive myself that I sabotage my efforts again by allowing and accepting fear to paralyze me as life. I am not fear I am life and life is waiting for me to stand up. Anything less than what’s best for all life can be nothing but delusion.
I realize my journey back to life requires a dedication like nothing I have ever had to face with myself before. I’m naked and alone facing myself in self-honesty. I realize there is no one but me hear looking at myself . I humble myself right now facing humility as I breath not really finding words in this moment to describe the sadness and shame in seeing what I have allowed and accepted as life. I have hidden, avoided, and closed my eyes to life and life is waiting for me to wake-up take charge and put the pieces back together.
Earlier today, I had my self-forgiveness statements ready all nicely edited ready for the “press” (for the public to see that is). What happen to my beautiful statements I prepared for the world? I don’t know! But I do know that in this moment of breath I’m here, humbling myself in this moment of breath to myself for myself. I lost myself many years ago and it is going to take time, and patience restoring this old house that Iam. I’m going to take everything out by writing to myself, crying to myself , and forgiving myself because life has allowed me this one opportunity to rebirth myself anew.
It’s cold in my home tonight, we are having an unusual freeze -16 degrees here in Texas, my family asleep. The wind, rain and ice is beating against the house and windows. Yet the sounds are creating a stillness inside me to really look and see what has to be done inside myself. Perhaps that’s where referring to myself as an old house in need of restoration has come from.
I forgive myself for attempting to throw out some self-forgiveness statements to impress the world with look at me I’m forgiving myself see my writings! Well now I say “look at me” I have no prepared script just me naked and ashamed of myself for allowing and accepting an attempt to impress rather than see me for what I am and what needs to be done here which is to stand up face myself in self- honesty to remove the rubbish once and for all to prepare myself to become “real” to myself. How ridiculous! it is to pretend, and pretend you are not aware that you are pretending. I truly honor life! Instead of just saying it I will show myself that I do by living it in each moment breath by breath.
I will close here.
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